Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
