I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
