im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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