We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
