I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
