So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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