You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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