The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
