if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He passed out mid-signature
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
