thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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