I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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