we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
