so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
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That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
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I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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