Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
