I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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