I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
