He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Come see our sink grown plant.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
