they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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