You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
