I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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