Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
