i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
