I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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