I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
