Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
His hands were made for my vagina.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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