Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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