So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
