well I can't set my house on fire every night
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Randomize
