Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Randomize
