I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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