i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
