There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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