The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
