Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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