I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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