This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
BRING THE BAGELS
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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