I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
