dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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