At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
the condom got lost in my hair
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
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stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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