butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
