plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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