Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
