I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
