lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
