cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
