i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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