Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
