I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
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VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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