I love having hate sex.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
