So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
