Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
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Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
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If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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