Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
