I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
