Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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