Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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