I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
