yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
