you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
