I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
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